Julie Tarney is a diversity and inclusion speaker, advocate for the LGBTQ+ community and author of the award-winning memoir, MY SON WEARS HEELS offers a wealth of advice to those navigating raising LGBTQ+ children from her experience raising her non-binary child Harry.

Here are her five top things she wants you to know when your child comes out.

1. You will not be the first person your child comes out to.

It’s true. Your child may confide in a friend or sibling before sharing their gender identity or sexuality with you. But even before that, your child will have come out to themselves. They will have identified an inner sense of self, a feeling of who they truly that doesn’t match up with established gender norms. Or they will have recognized what gender(s) they crush on or are romantically attracted to.

2. When your child comes out to you, they are sure in that moment.

Self-discovery is a process. Gender identity and/or sexual orientation may evolve with your child’s development. But that is for them to tell you, not for you to project as a phase. They come out to you because they trust you. Reciprocate by trusting them to know themselves in the present moment. Thank them for sharing their true self with you. Assure them that you love them no matter what and will always be there for them. Stay open minded and continue to listen carefully.

3. Your vocabulary will improve.

Your child may come out to you as pansexual, genderqueer, stemme or another identity or sexual orientation unfamiliar to you. Facebook used to offer 70 options for how people could identify. Now it’s simply customized. But the point is, there are bound to be terms you haven’t heard before. Your child will understand you wanting to understand them. It’s okay not to know everything and to ask for help with terminology. Then do some research on your own. There’s a wealth of information online. Support groups like PFLAG exist for you, too. And if it’s important to your child, then you’ll soon become comfortable with they/them/theirs as singular pronouns.

4. You add “ally” to your job title.

As a parent, guardian or caregiver, you’ve held many titles. Chauffeur, cook, nurse, chief cheerleader, to name a few. For an LGBTQ+ kid, your role as ally becomes inextricably linked to the pillars of unconditional love, encouragement and support. They may need your help advocating for them at school, with government agencies, or with other family members and neighbors. Assure them they can count on you in any situation. And be ready to take on the world, if necessary.

5. It’s not about you.

When your child comes out to you, it is all about them. Their truth, their self-esteem, their desire to be loved and accepted for who they are. You may wonder as I did, what it will mean for you. Will you be judged at work, by neighbors, at church? What will conservative family members say? Your child may internalize some of the same questions. And that becomes your focus: helping them feel safe and protected.